Grandpa "the mafia thing" has died

My dad called today to let me know his father had died. He had a "do not resuscitate" on his will. I debated about going down for the funeral but I have been sick and next week is a bad training week for me at work. I feel bad though because they were always upset & gave the guilt trip for not going to Florida to see them. Over the years I stopped writing as much. I was reminded to get a nice arrangement for the funeral home. Of course, I will have to foot the bill and not split with my brother - I am the oldest in the family. I think I will try online at FTD. My (step but married for 50+yrs) grandmother is in denial....."No, No, No, he can't be dead, he is still warm - he's alive!" She is pure Italian and maybe more dramatic.

What is proper etiquette? Do I still send her a card & flowers at home, despite getting a spray for the funeral home. I don't know.
There was a lot I wanted to know from my grandfather. I think he had stuff to hide in the shady past. Now no one really knows...I have tried to say stuff to my dad but not much said or denied in return. No wonder my dad is a lost dysfunction. There is a mafia person in jail with the same spelling as my grandfather's first name & last (my dad's has an extra l)& same ties to living areas in PA & FL. There are some other weird things but afraid to say. For example, the kids (my dad & aunt) lived with an aunt near Beech Creek while the parents conducted their lives in Philadelphia around 1950. One night during a bad snow storm my grandmother(dad was 7)insisted for a strong reason to get home to see the kids - she got home but suffocated in her sleep. Her death certificate said she had epilepsy but.............. Also my grandfather and all his siblings owned hotels in New Jersey. How does one rise as a child of an Ellis Island immigrant to own hotels?
My grandpa threatened my husband at our rehearsal dinner. He pulled him aside and said that,"If you do not take care of her, I will have to do the mafia thing to you". To this day, Al says, he was not joking.